What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
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interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Finally! 😈
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.