me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
You Might Also Like
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.