me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
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[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks