That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
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If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
this came to me in a vision
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.