Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.