My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.