watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Boom, boom, ching!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.