The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
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Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower