if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
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The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes