me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
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My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
good morning
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?