When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*