Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
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It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I feel it
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
can’t catch a break
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.