Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week