I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
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Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”