dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.