[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
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tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan