My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.