Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
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Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
want me to check your oil?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.