I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
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Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?