[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks