HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
You Might Also Like
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it