Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
You Might Also Like
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
who did the taste test?
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath