[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it