Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
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On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
181.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”