in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
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My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*