Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
New mindset, who dis?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits