just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Mood.. 😂
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
two people or more is called a problem
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.