Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
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Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
i wish i could marry a nap
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”