Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
girls literally only want one thing..
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works