Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
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The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
man i love columbo
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!