I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.