HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
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Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad