Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?