[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*