My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Just parrot things
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I created you as mosquito food.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.