Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Do one person every day that scares you.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.