Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
You Might Also Like
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
The internet is full of many things
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.