Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Me trying to walk in a dream
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Kids, do not try this at home!