I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*