“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
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Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
is nasa ok
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me hooking up with my ex
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?