*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
You Might Also Like
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
never ask a starfish for directions
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.