I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter