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my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.