wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
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Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install