A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My birthstone is a marshmallow.