A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Ovenable?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?