Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
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Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
fair
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea