[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
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if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
what kind of cook setting is this??
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead