6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
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My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
January has been Januweary
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.