Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
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Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Cha-ching is my safe word
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.